My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
there is glitter all over my balls
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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