I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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