I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize