Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
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She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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