Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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