Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
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do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
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Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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