how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize