Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
did you just send me my own nude
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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