just tell him i said nine months
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
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my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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