I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
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Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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