theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
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He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
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After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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