I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
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She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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