I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize