So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
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My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
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you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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