he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
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I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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