pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
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I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
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"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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