If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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