And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
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After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
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I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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