Moan for me like Helen Keller
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
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