Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
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My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
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Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Bring me that man meat
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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