you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
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I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
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YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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