You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
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He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
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I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
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