the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
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i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
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Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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