I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
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