totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
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I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
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I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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