True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
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the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
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We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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