I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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