i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
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gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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