I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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