I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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