I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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