I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
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Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
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Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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