lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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