My sheets look like a crime scene.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
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He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
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Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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