You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
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Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
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You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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