Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
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Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
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You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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