My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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