Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
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I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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