if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
this boner is exhausting
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Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
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It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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