So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
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just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
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Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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