if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I showed him my bush... on skype.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Panties = found
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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