This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
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Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
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