If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You pole danced in your parka.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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