so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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