By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
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Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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