The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
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No...this little piggys going to the bar
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
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He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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