im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
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You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
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I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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