Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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