wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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