Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
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I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
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Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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